Navigating the Blues
As I sit here, the sun is shining and I can see my friend in the backyard dancing in the wind (she’s a 5 year old willow tree). She’s always lovely, but in the wind, she’s captivating. She bends and reaches and sways with the wind, completely without resistance. The wind blows, she allows. The wind stops, she returns to center. I have so much to learn from her.
Some people love the autumn. Not so much me. Don’t get me wrong, the changing leaves are pretty, but I have a certain distaste for this time of year. In the autumn, depression often finds me fertile ground to take root in. This year has been no exception. I’ve felt the blues reach into me like a network of energetic veins – inky rivers branching through my system, cold to the touch. I feel these numbing streams of sadness flow from my periphery inward. They merge and grow larger until they pour into a dark sea; sometimes in my belly, sometimes in my chest, and if I’m not careful, the darkness envelops me.
I’ve had experiences of depression since I was a teenager. My first episode of deep depression happened in my early 20s. I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t summon the energy to smile, every step felt like I was wearing weighted boots…and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to find any warmth. During this time, I realized that I could tolerate the depression moment by moment, but what struck terror in me was the thought – “what if this never goes away?” Enter panic attack stage right. F*ck, it was seriously not fun. Years later, I remember being in the midst of a depression in my early 30s, and waking my husband in the middle of the night “Honey, what am I going to do if this never goes away? I don’t want to keep feeling like this.” Depression can be really scary sometimes.
Sigh.
Pause.
I feel my feet and ground into this moment. I look out at willow again. So many directions this blog could take: ”What I’ve learned from my depressions”; or “Correlates of Deep Depression and Meditative Emptiness”; or “Existential Angst and Dread of the Inevitable as Portals into Liminal Space and Liberation”; or “Love Yoga, Fuck Yogi’s; the wonderful tools and unrealistic expectations of yoga”, on and on and on. Ya’ll know I’m an overthinker.
The direction it seems to be taking is to share a few simple tools. Some of these help me to feel better in the moment and some of them help me bide my time and endure the blues. I’ve never found the magic potion that gets rid of depression RIGHT NOW and FOREVER! But there are some things that have made it less severe and more tolerable until it lets go. I call this keeping it at the peek-a-boo stage instead of toppling completely down the rabbit hole.
So friends, here’s my list of coping tools and pick-me-ups, in no particular order, and I certainly don’t do them all at once. I have a long list because not everything works all the time AND I’m not always willing/able to do some of the things on the list. Over the years I have collected lotsa options. I feel like it sets me up for success - I can’t/won’t exercise today, but I will wear my anti-depression sneakers. Win!
Feel free to take anything that resonates and leave the rest behind!
• Remind myself that depression is not a personal failing.*
• Get outside. If I’m too depressed to get up and go outside, open windows to let fresh air in.
• Touch trees, plants, earth. I find it helpful to walk outside barefoot.
• Move my body as much as I can tolerate/motivate.
• Go to bed with the intention of 8hrs sleep (I take melatonin if it’s hard to fall asleep)
• Anti-depression clothes/shoes. I find that colorful, playful things help lift me up.
Colorful Uplifting Clothes
I call these my anti-depression sneakers :)
• Play my happy playlist (sing and dance to it if tolerable). This is mine. I highly recommend making your own. These songs are personal to me - happy memories, certain beats, nothing too nostalgic definitely nothing that feels sullen to me.
• Eat fresh food! (Here’s my fave EASY soup recipe and my new fave, mostly healthy comfort dessert recipe)
• Pay attention to my gut health - eat kimchi, sauerkraut, kombucha, etc.
• Take vitamins. Are you getting enough D and B?
• Do things with my dog/kids/hubs that make them happy – b/c their being happy makes me happy. Often these things involve getting outside and moving my body.
• Only happy, benign, funny tv.
o Schitt’s Creek
o My kids love Jack Whitehall so we watch that together
o Cooking shows
o Fabulous Fungi
o Nothing grim, dark, scary, depression (this is not the time to watch Hotel Rwanda or a documentary about Animal Extinction or the Impending Doom of Climate Change.)
• Non-threatening books
o I found Shaun Tan’s “The Red Tree” in a library my late 20’s, early 30’s during a depression. It’s a graphic story and it’s short and simple and depicts depression quite well while reminding me that the feelings don’t last forever.
• Super careful about “xtras”
o I watch my caffeine intake.
o No alcohol. Hangovers generally feel like depression to me, so I don’t want to double down on the doldrums.
o If you ingest marijuana (or take other drugs), notice the overall effect (is it an upper or downer) and decide if it’s good for you right now.
o If you’re on psych meds I really don’t recommend stopping taking them w.o consulting your doc. I was on Prozac in my early 20s for a bit and then went off cold turkey. YIKES. Not a good experience. Also though, if you feel worse or are having suicidal thoughts seriously get in touch with your doc asap.
• Wear jewelry that feel protected and/or close to loved ones.
• Gratitude lists
• Use my light box
• Prayer, offerings, convos with ancestors and guides
• Meditation
• Let people who understand know that I have the blues.
• Be around people sometimes. This is usually the LAST thing I want to do, but hanging with sunshine people can help shift the energy even for a little bit.
• Massage and/or acupuncture. I schedule a massage for myself this month and I ended up rescheduling it b/c it just felt WAY to vulnerable right now. I did use a foam roller though and some massage balls. Depression can feel achy to me, so moving that energy can be helpful. I recommend Heidi Vanderpol at Pinned Acupuncture.
• To the degree that feels okay, just feeling it. There’s something soothing to me about just letting it be without trying to move it or change it or annihilate it. What does the sadness/depression feel like in my body? (Nothing is a feeling too) What does it have to say? Is there anywhere that feels different?
• Compensate for negativity bias. I try to notice times throughout the day when I feel okay. Or times when I have a win (xyz thing didn’t totally suck.) We’re wired to notice the bad more than the good, so when I’m blue, I consciously highlight the positive as much as I remember and can tolerate. I’m not trying to deny the blahs/blues, instead I’m giving space to the possibility/likelihood/truth that other things are present too.
• Talk to a therapist! Here are a few recs in the Columbus, Ohio area (in no specific order). I have not seen these people personally, but know them and they have been recommended by people.
o Abbe Straw, LISW-S, LICDC
o Kristen Gidel Kelly, LPCC-S, LICDC, CTTS
o Jeeseon Park-Saltzman, Psychologist, Ph D
o Lara Falberg, MSW, LISW-S
o Will Varnum, LISW
• Get EMDR (I have heard SO many good things about this!)
• Mostly though, notice and pay attention to how your system responds to different things, and, to the best of your ability, don’t do things that deepen your depression (sad movies, dark music, tons of sugar, whatevs).
• Remind myself that depression is not a personal failing. 😊
As I finish this list, the sun has gone behind some clouds, but Willow is still waving at me. In times before we had pharma, willow bark was used for its pain relieving benefits. Energetically, willow is an ally and friend in navigating grief and sadness. I’m reminded that there are helpers all around, and I am grateful that I know how to open my heart to receive them.
Let me know if you have things to add to the list! One person already offered that knitting helps them.
*Our review suggests that recurrent depression reflects an underlying vulnerability that is largely genetic in nature and that may predispose those high in the vulnerability not only to recurrent depressive episodes, but also to the significant psychosocial risk factors that often accompany recurrent depression. (NIH study, Burcusa & Iacono, 2007)
*Major depressive disorder is one of the most common forms of psychopathology, one that will affect approximately one in six men and one in four women in their lifetimes (Kessler et al., 1994). It is also usually highly recurrent, with at least 50% of those who recover from a first episode of depression having one or more additional episodes in their lifetime, and approximately 80% of those with a history of two episodes having another recurrence (American Psychiatric Association, 2000; Kupfer, Frank, & Wamhoff, 1996; Post, 1992). Once a first episode has occurred, recurrent episodes will usually begin within five years of the initial episode (Belsher & Costello, 1988; Lewinsohn, Clarke, Seeley, & Rohde, 1994), and, on average, individuals with a history of depression will have five (Kessler & Walters, 1998) to nine (Kessler, Zhao, Blazer, & Swartz, 1997) separate depressive episodes in their lifetime.